You know how if you want to age a tree you count the rings inside its trunk? Well if you want to age a woman, take to her eyebrows with a tough face wipe. If they come away like workings out on a whiteboard then she was probably a teenager in the 90’s. Rearing their dangerous head again thanks to Vogue’s September issue Rihanna cover and Beth Ditto’s LOVE cover I IMPLORE you to take heed of the warnings from the women (myself included) who still suffer for their mid 90’s tweezer addiction.
The super skinny brow, worn by Gwen Stefani, Drew Barrymore, Pamela Anderson, Jessica Alba and pretty much anyone else famous between ‘92 and ’98, has left its indelible mark on a whole generation of women. NEWSFLASH: THEY NEVER GROW BACK.
You might think barbed wire tattoos (thanks again Pammie) or lower back vaguely ‘mystical’ symbols would be the worst lasting reminders of 90’s style but you’d be wrong. It was the obliteration of eyebrow follicles and the warning not to repeat it is on the faces of women you see every day. Your thirty-something colleague who you think has flawless thick brows? This heatwave has almost finished her off with brow-slippage fear. The beauty editor you follow on Instagram who’d give Cara D a run for her money? Microbladed to an inch of her life.
Advancements in brow makeup technology and the aforementioned microblading (don’t make the mistake of thinking that’s your get out of brow jail free card though- it’s expensive, high maintenance and when not done by the super-skilled frequently resembles Sharpied-on Nike ticks) have meant we don’t need to look like that meme of the dog with eyebrows/two sperm drawn on a boiled egg anymore but underneath the artful pencil/pomade/more pencil/fixative gel lies hairs frequently in single digits.
In my friendship group tales of plucking based woe range from the woman whose husband had never seen her minus her brow makeup until she gave birth to another who was stared at by a stranger for the duration of a seven-hour flight until the starer finally blurted out ‘but where are your eyebrows?’ As for me? Mine aren’t twins, that’d be fine they’re supposed to be sisters, right? This is true but instead of the friendly similarities of say Kim and Khloe they’re instead Louise Adams and Victoria Beckham, AKA in tabloid parlance ‘worlds apart’.
Quite why it’s only eyebrows that seem to suffer this malady is a mystery, it’d be useful if you only ever had to have one bikini wax or that pesky repeat offender toe/chin/nipple hair required a single meeting with your tweezers before buggering off for ever. But no, unwanted hair everywhere else crops up with the same regularity as those ‘hey stranger’ fuckboy texts you get at 2am.
Still want to try it? Do yourself a favour and fake it. See RuPaul’s Drag Race for how to glue down your existing brows and flirt with a little drawing on. Don’t make the same mistake we did.